Deservability

What do you mean, ‘Christmas is only two weeks away’? What in the world happened to the rest of the year?!

Although I remember a few ‘key’ events, Sabrina’s graduation and Tina’s visit, the rest of the year is a bit of a blur. Is that good or bad, I wonder. I don’t rightly know.

What DID I do this year?

I’ve grown a bit, that’s for sure. And I know a little more about myself . I learned how strong my beliefs are, or at least one in particular: deservability. The idea that, at the very core of my being, I don’t deserve to have, or to give myself, something that my heart wishes simply because I have to do something to earn it first.

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I was taking a class that involved a guided meditation. The teacher is one that I know and love, so that wasn’t an issue. (As an aside, I had noticed that my chest ached a little before the class). As I relaxed into the meditation, I felt my chest begin to ache. The longer I listened, the greater the ache. I finally had to take the earphones out and go lay on the couch. After the pain eased a little, I walked back over and put the earphones back in. By then the exercise was over and now I was feeling all sorts of deprived. As I write this, I find that I still feel that way: bereft. The meditation itself was one that helped put you in touch with your Spirit Guide and it seemed that I was not going to be given that chance.

The instructor asked how we all were and if we had been able to connect. Because it was a small class, she asked me by name. And I answered. She asked the class to send me healing, which I accepted with gratitude. She then asked permission to ‘come inside’ and what she found surprised me.

‘You don’t believe you deserve this’, she said. ‘It’s time for some self-reflection, Lydia.’ And I agreed.

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This was the second time that a meditation or a class hadn’t gone as well as I would have hoped. That I still believed myself to be undeserving.

So. Deserveability. I looked it up and what I found is that it isn’t a word at all. But the word makes sense to me.

I found a  ‘Deservability’ exercise . I tried it of course and #3 is the one that connects. I found a belief that says that I have to earn something in order to have something.

Now comes the hard part; how to change that.

 

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October Already?!

Dang! Where did the year go? It’s October already and I don’t have any idea what happened to January through September. What did I do? Where did I go? Who did I see? One day pretty much slides into the next day…or so it seemed anyway.

Well, we did go to a wedding in Cali in April. We drove down with Tina, Nicholas, and Romancito. It was fast and so busy. There was no time to breathe let alone relax.

Oh, and we did go to Arizona in July. Alicia, Celia, and I drove down to clean up momma’s grave site. Stayed in lots of hotels and I had a lot of fun watching the girlies swim until bedtime and eat fabulous foods. I took them to meet my lovely Aunt Evangelina in Tubac.

August in Spokane was lovely, too. Drove up to meet the new grandbaby, Dominic. He is the cutest little bit of a boy. We stayed for a few days just because we could. Soaked up a whole lot of love. We left Alicia there just so that we could drive back up there a month later to pick her up.

Oh, I see. We’ve been too busy packing and unpacking to notice the time flying by.

Grew a lot this year. I’m surprised that my spirit can fit inside this body. Gonna have to tuck me in a little, here and there.

TTFN

The Here and Now

Happy New Year! It’s all about beginnings and endings, releasing and letting go, dropping what no longer serves and allowing new energy to fill those spaces. 2015 promises to be a year of surprises. For who? Everyone, I think. Those who live with their eyes wide open have the advantage in that they already know how to focus their thoughts or they hold to the idea that manifestation begins with thought. Focused thought. Having a vision and then holding it for a few minutes before releasing it out into the cosmos kinds of thought.  Don’t misunderstand. Even those who sleep are guided. It’s just that they also include why they don’t deserve their vision with their vision. You have to learn to just send the positive vision without the undeserving part attached.

That’s why I didn’t make resolutions this year. Instead, I’ve set intention in achieving reachable goals. I’m making lists and ticking each thing off as I go.

Wish me luck in my endeavors! I wish you the best in yours.

The Beginning

So, this is where it starts. At the beginning. My beginning, at least. Of what? My spiritual journey. The awareness that there is an ‘awareness’. One that seems to be a part of me, yet not. I can feel it around me. It started in my chest somehow and expanded out, surrounding me with itself. And now it wants out. Not out of me physically – because it already is. But out of me in words. So here I am, starting it all. I can’t even imagine yet where it will go. I remain hopeful, nonetheless.

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